Monday, February 9, 2015

Good Grief...

Upper Rhoda Pond, or Lake Rhoda
I started this blog in 2008. I had recently opened one of my Etsy shops, and was inspired to start the blog by other Etsy sellers, basically, to sell my handmade jewelry. Over these 7 years the blog has taken its own twists and turns, as life has happened. Everything is well archived, and these days especially, I am most grateful to use those archives for reference. What year, month or day was that, or, I know I wrote about that, where is it. I have found that not only has the blog been an excellent personal resource, but it has given my voice a little volume. I enjoy sharing from my heart, even the really tough stuff which happens. It has been 2 1/2 years since Mom passed, and I have not cried. Any of you who know me, really, know that it is in my DNA, we cry. I just have not been able to get it out; the grief. There is never any right or wrong way to go about the process of losing a loved one, a parent, a Mom. I have talked to friends who have lost their Mom's and for some, like me now, it has taken years to get through the loss. One friend told me it took her a good 3 years, punctuated by, and we didn't even have a good relationship. As you know, Mom and I adored one another, so I am surprised, in a way, that I have just not fallen completely apart. On the other hand, not.

I sent an email to a dear friend who is going through chemo for leukemia. Thankfully, she is responding well, and has been giving us updates after each round. I know that she always wants to know how her friends are doing, really doing, and I told her the truth. After I read it back, I realized, that this is what I wanted to post, this is what I really wanted to say, but the words simply had not come up and out, until now. So, here is a portion of that email:

'For me, well, I did get in touch w/ a grief counselor, and I meet w/ her in Littleton on Tuesday...we spoke on the phone, and we had a good first chat...again, the grief is in my throat and ever ready to burst is an amazing thing...we have a very active camp wall on Facebook...we went to camp in the beautiful Berkshires for 12 summers, from the time I was 5 years old...loved every minute of it...Mom was the Arts & Crafts counselor, and so much more, to the hundreds who called her 'Aunt Bunny', Dad came up on weekends, friends and cousins spent many happy carefree summers on the lake...when Mom died, my brother and I batted around what we might do w/ Mom and Dad's ashes...the only place we could think of, which was the most meaningful, was the lake @ camp..well, lo and behold, one thing has led to an another, and a group of us have rented a big house right on our most beloved lake @ the end of June...we will be spreading Mom and Dad's ashes there...I am overwhelmed by the enormity of the act, and that it is actually coming to pass...those who have signed on so far to come in June, all adored Mom and is beautiful, and a huge answer to, I am on the right body has been betraying me a bit, I am certain, from all that I am holding in...'

It is clear that I am making progress to understand the loss, to deal w/ how profound losing Mom is, along with having the opportunity to go back to a place, a tiny little town in upstate NY, which I (and so many...), hold so dear, to spread Mom and Dad's ashes on the lake as their final resting place.., well, now,  I am at a loss for words.

'To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;...'
Ecclesiastes 3:1-5


Sylvia said...

Ah, yes, good grief. We both know it don't we. The lines that jump out to me today are "A time to cast stones; a time to gather stones together." Perhaps part of the grief process is learning to cast and gather. Leaving behind what is past, and moving on to what is ahead. I've been taking consolation in the writings of David Whyte lately. I'm glad for you, Amy, that that you are moving with what is in your heart.

Amy Lilley Designs said...

Thank you dear Sylvia...SO working @ moving forward...the scripture, perfect...this seems to be 'the time'๐ŸŒบ๐ŸŒท๐ŸŒธ

LisaLisa said...

Wow, "Good Grief"!! I feel I'm now in that place where I have moved on too over Mom & Dad's death. I think God has given me peace beyond my own understanding and the comfort I need daily! I thought for a moment something was wrong with me because I would see some of my sisters crying very hard for mom, but as for me its been a while. All I can say is I'm so proud of you for taking the next step in moving forward and even though we are moving forward we will never forget the love our parents shared with us. Love you always Amy!!! <3

Amy Lilley Designs said...

Lisa, I am so so glad to hear that you too have moved forward...not easy, especially when the grief is stuck inside and it is so ginormous...I still have work to,do, but definitely on the right no no,we will never forget our Parents๐ŸŒž๐ŸŒž๐ŸŒž love right back to you Lisa๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–

Erin LaBere said...

Grieving is such an odd process. For me, I find myself thinking I have had my time to grieve and I am past that point and then out of nowhere it hits me that I am still recovering from my loss and it is not something that you just get over. I am so glad that you are sharing your grieving process. It is not an easy thing to share, but it helps many people. Love you!

Amy Lilley Designs said...

It is odd, isn't it is interesting this things which are coming up @ this point...I cannot imagine that anyone can just get over it, but acknowledging the grief, is truly, half the battle...I am not sure what is around the next corner, but the process is, well, in full swing..I love you too, sweet Erin๐ŸŒž๐Ÿ’–๐ŸŒž๐Ÿ’–๐ŸŒž