|Upper Rhoda Pond, or Lake Rhoda|
Monday, February 9, 2015
I started this blog in 2008. I had recently opened one of my Etsy shops, and was inspired to start the blog by other Etsy sellers, basically, to sell my handmade jewelry. Over these 7 years the blog has taken its own twists and turns, as life has happened. Everything is well archived, and these days especially, I am most grateful to use those archives for reference. What year, month or day was that, or, I know I wrote about that, where is it. I have found that not only has the blog been an excellent personal resource, but it has given my voice a little volume. I enjoy sharing from my heart, even the really tough stuff which happens. It has been 2 1/2 years since Mom passed, and I have not cried. Any of you who know me, really, know that it is in my DNA, we cry. I just have not been able to get it out; the grief. There is never any right or wrong way to go about the process of losing a loved one, a parent, a Mom. I have talked to friends who have lost their Mom's and for some, like me now, it has taken years to get through the loss. One friend told me it took her a good 3 years, punctuated by, and we didn't even have a good relationship. As you know, Mom and I adored one another, so I am surprised, in a way, that I have just not fallen completely apart. On the other hand, not.
I sent an email to a dear friend who is going through chemo for leukemia. Thankfully, she is responding well, and has been giving us updates after each round. I know that she always wants to know how her friends are doing, really doing, and I told her the truth. After I read it back, I realized, that this is what I wanted to post, this is what I really wanted to say, but the words simply had not come up and out, until now. So, here is a portion of that email:
'For me, well, I did get in touch w/ a grief counselor, and I meet w/ her in Littleton on Tuesday...we spoke on the phone, and we had a good first chat...again, the grief is in my throat and ever ready to burst forth...here is an amazing thing...we have a very active camp wall on Facebook...we went to camp in the beautiful Berkshires for 12 summers, from the time I was 5 years old...loved every minute of it...Mom was the Arts & Crafts counselor, and so much more, to the hundreds who called her 'Aunt Bunny', Dad came up on weekends, friends and cousins spent many happy carefree summers on the lake...when Mom died, my brother and I batted around what we might do w/ Mom and Dad's ashes...the only place we could think of, which was the most meaningful, was the lake @ camp..well, lo and behold, one thing has led to an another, and a group of us have rented a big house right on our most beloved lake @ the end of June...we will be spreading Mom and Dad's ashes there...I am overwhelmed by the enormity of the act, and that it is actually coming to pass...those who have signed on so far to come in June, all adored Mom and Dad..it is beautiful, and a huge answer to prayer...so, I am on the right track...my body has been betraying me a bit, I am certain, from all that I am holding in...'
It is clear that I am making progress to understand the loss, to deal w/ how profound losing Mom is, along with having the opportunity to go back to a place, a tiny little town in upstate NY, which I (and so many...), hold so dear, to spread Mom and Dad's ashes on the lake as their final resting place.., well, now, I am at a loss for words.
'To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;...'