Written on Saturday, May 20, New York City:
So, trip number 3, back to the east coast since 2015. Each one, a different season, a different reason, but the love remains the same. The love for my Family and my Friends, I have said hello and goodbye to, too many times over at this point to count...and today, my heart spilled over with emotion as I realized that I was beginning to exhale. My Cousins and I are close and I am thankfully, very free with them. My cousin Rita, her dog, Roxie died yesterday, so we spoke this morning. She told me the whole story of Roxie's last day, and most gratefully, Roxie passed away on her own and not in my cousins house. Rita and a friend were able to make it to the Vet pretty much in the nick of time, so that no papers had to be filled out, and the whole guilt of 'putting our pets down' or 'I just murdered my 4 legged family member', was dissolved. Thank you sweet Roxie for sparing Rita that part of her story. Then it was my turn to talk.I did not write about it publicly when my cousin Ellie died suddenly in December, it was a Family decision. Many months before her passing we talked about my clearing out her apartment in Chelsea, so, that was the main reason for the trip. Just this (chilly) morning, in this cozy room in this old brownstone in the West Village, I felt the loss and I grieved for yet another member of Mom's generation. Here is what I have learned about grief over these almost 5 years since Mom passed. Grief will get you. You might think that you are clever enough to tuck it away someplace, or to pretend that you are 'good', since a couple of years have passed and life has marched on. But grief is too powerful. It will rise up and it will come out and show itself when you least expect it. This is what happened to me this morning. I was not here when Ellie died, as much as I received many updates over those 2 days when difficult life and death decisions were being made, yet, it did happen to me too. Watching, partaking, as her apartment was dismantled painting by painting, photo by photo, plant by plant, would have made an eventful time lapse video. With anyone who reaches the impressive age of 88, there were many layers to Ellie. We learned upon her passing that she kept people and possessions very compartmentalized. What a great thing when all those people actually met, and the doors to Ellie's compartments swung wide open. I now have a couple of new friends on Facebook, one important, healed up relationship and some new/old photos to bring back to Colorado. Ellie, I am certain looked down with ridiculous pleasure to see how well the day unfolded. My sweet sweet Ellie. So, Rita got an earful too, but she had to run, conversation over...me still spilling...
Post script: That day, I stayed very nuzzled in, ate potato chips, drank coconut water, watched 6 episodes of General Hospital, the last 3 episodes of Scandal (OMG), napped and slowly prepared myself to leave New York. Today is Wednesday, I feel much more rested and my joy has returned to its fullness...looking back, just these couple of days, I saw bubbles of the grief rising last week but, I was busy running, seeing, doing, yet, I could not hide it...grateful that I have learned to recognize it, let it happen, get it out, and then proceed forward...
2 comments:
Life is a crazy ride, isn't it?!?! Glad you were able to 'exhale' and thankful for a Savior that carries us when we are unable to go forward. xoxo
Life is a ca-razy ride indeed...feel very blessed to have great support to deal with all of this these past few years, grace and 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 bless-ed hope...
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