Today is a Good Day to Exhale...

Written on Saturday, May 20, New York City:

So, trip number 3, back to the east coast since 2015. Each one, a different season, a different reason, but the love remains the same. The love for my Family and my Friends, I have said hello and goodbye to, too many times over at this point to count...and today, my heart spilled over with emotion as I realized that I was beginning to exhale. My Cousins and I are close and I am thankfully, very free with them. My cousin Rita, her dog, Roxie died yesterday, so we spoke this morning. She told me the whole story of Roxie's last day, and most gratefully, Roxie passed away on her own and not in my cousins house. Rita and a friend were able to make it to the Vet pretty much in the nick of time, so that no papers had to be filled out, and the whole guilt of 'putting our pets down' or 'I just murdered my 4 legged family member', was dissolved. Thank you sweet Roxie for sparing Rita that part of her story. Then it was my turn to talk.I did not write about it publicly when my cousin Ellie died suddenly in December, it was a Family decision. Many months before her passing we talked about my clearing out her apartment in Chelsea, so, that was the main reason for the trip. Just this (chilly) morning, in this cozy room in this old brownstone in the West Village, I felt the loss and I grieved for yet another member of Mom's generation. Here is what I have learned about grief over these almost 5 years since Mom passed. Grief will get you. You might think that you are clever enough to tuck it away someplace, or to pretend that you are 'good', since a couple of years have passed and life has marched on. But grief is too powerful. It will rise up and it will come out and show itself when you least expect it. This is what happened to me this morning. I was not here when Ellie died, as much as I received many updates over those 2 days when difficult life and death decisions were being made, yet, it did happen to me too. Watching, partaking, as her apartment was dismantled painting by painting, photo by photo, plant by plant, would have made an eventful time lapse video. With anyone who reaches the impressive age of 88, there were many layers to Ellie. We learned upon her passing that she kept people and possessions very compartmentalized. What a great thing when all those people actually met, and the doors to Ellie's compartments swung wide open. I now have a couple of new friends on Facebook, one important, healed up relationship and some new/old photos to bring back to Colorado. Ellie, I am certain looked down with ridiculous pleasure to see how well the day unfolded. My sweet sweet Ellie. So, Rita got an earful too, but she had to run, conversation over...me still spilling...

Post script: That day, I stayed very nuzzled in, ate potato chips, drank coconut water, watched 6 episodes of General Hospital, the last 3 episodes of Scandal (OMG), napped and slowly prepared myself to leave New York. Today is Wednesday, I feel much more rested and my joy has returned to its fullness...looking back, just these couple of days, I saw bubbles of the grief rising last week but, I was busy running, seeing, doing, yet, I could not hide it...grateful that I have learned to recognize it, let it happen, get it out, and then proceed forward...

East Coast, This Go Round

The Atlantic, my old Friend...

I went, I saw, I conquered. I came back with a mean head cold, I am still processing conversations, hard fought get-togethers with precious friends, how many times I ate Japanese food, having some alone time to see some of my old haunts and an afternoon @ The Met, seeing my Goddaughter, Jennie, star in her first lead role on Broadway as Nettie in 'The Color Purple', (she was beautiful and perfect, see Jennie, if you can!), celebrating my Aunt's 95th birthday in Baltimore, and totally touched that she was totally touched when she saw me, I was a surprise...lots of happy tears shed.

Sunrise looking north from Chelsea and, below, the full moon over the City...so beautiful!

I stayed with my cousin in Chelsea. She is 88 1/2. Just to give you an idea of her energy, on Friday's, she has 4 exercise classes, in 4 different locations, all before one in the afternoon. I stayed with her from Saturday-Saturday, and every night we would hug, so pleased with ourselves that we still liked one another. It was very sweet. We did so well together. I decided that she lives in the center of the universe, because everything anyone could possibly need, juts out, like spokes on a wheel, from her building. But, that is what a neighborhood is. Definition: a district, especially one forming a community within a town or city; synonyms: district, area, locality, locale, quarter, community; part, region, zone; informal neck of the woods, hood, nabe, stomping ground, stamping ground. 

Lobby of the Met, fresh flowers, always...so beautiful!

Jennie, in 'The Color Purple', so beautiful!!!

When I went back East last summer, I decided that I simply had to go back at least one time a year. So, when the idea of going to Baltimore was presented to me, I knew it was the right time, and I worked backwards, as Baltimore was the last stop. This was such a different trip than last year. When I said 'hard fought' get-togethers, what I mean is, we are doing this, the arrangements might be last minute, and then change on a dime, there was allot of improvising, texting, and phone calls, but every 'Okay great', made the way for me to spend time over pizza, Japanese, Greek, Vegan, Spanish, and Japanese food again, with people who wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see them, and we all made it work. I loved that with my whole heart. Discussions ranged from getting older, more than once, to hearing about a friends surgery for a large brain aneurysm and the metal which is now in her head, to lovely fellowship and sharing of hearts, firming up old relationships and building on some new ones, and of course, as if no time had passed, (because what G_d does, He does well), with many.

So, this happened. It was a week ago Tuesday. I went to The Met to see the Jerusalem: 1000-1400, 'Every People Under Heaven' exhibit. I went up the grand stairs, made a left, looking down @ the American Wing, hung a right @ the statue, walked down another hall, and there it was. The exhibit. It was a little dark, as there are slides being projected on to the walls. I thought I heard my name, but, really, what are the odds? And then in the next moment, a clear voice calling, 'Auntie Amy!' I turned around and it was Mari Harney (older sister of my Goddaughter, Jennie), working @ the exhibit!! Hand over mouth, other hand in the air, leaning back a little, then ginormous hugs. This visit, this meeting was not scheduled by either of us, but clearly, well appointed. Imagine, in a little corner of a massive museum in a City of 8 million. Just too too good!!!

Pot for cooking lentils, brass, 11th century, Caeserea...so beautiful!

Spending a short 24 hours in Baltimore was full, it was joyous. I was with my Cousins and it was perfect. I felt my body telling me that it had had enough, as I began to get emotional about leaving, all guards were way down. I do not know what the future holds. I do know, that New York, the East Coast, will always be home, that I cannot be in 2 places at one time, that coming back to the quiet of Colorado along with all of its gifts is exactly where I am supposed to be, so, in that I rest and recoup from all the running around, eating, talking, loving on my Friends and Family, and receiving equal portions in return. I am so thankful, so grateful, so deeply appreciative. Until the next time New York; you can take the Girl out of the City, but no way can you ever take The City, out of the Girl...but you already knew that...

Betsy and Aunt Sue, and below Jennifer helping to blow out candles, joy overflowing, so beautiful!

Descending into Denver, Rockies in the background, so beautiful!!

'To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.'

                                                                                                 Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

Passover 2016/5776

Auburn, NY, probably 1946

I usually look for a painting of Moses parting the Red Sea, or maybe one of the blood of the Lamb on the doorposts and lintels: 'Your lamb shall be an unblemished male a year old; you may take it from the sheep or from the goats. You shall keep it until the fourteenth day of the same month, then the whole assembly of the congregation of Israel is to kill it at twilight. Moreover, they shall take some of the blood and put it on the two doorposts and on the lintel of the houses in which they eat it. They shall eat the flesh that same night, roasted with fire, and they shall eat it with unleavened bread and bitter herbs.' Exodus 12:5-8 But, today would have been my Dad's 94th birthday (top left) and I am feeling very full. So, as I was looking for a pic of him to post, I found this one, and in that fullness came a flood of thoughts about Passover, which begins tomorrow night at sunset. We were very blessed as kids to have my Mom's parents and my Father's Mom live down the street, (in Stuyvesant Town, it was up a hill and around a curve...) along with cousins and cousins cousins. Passover, always celebrated with the traditional Seder, Manischewitz wine, which were allowed to dilute and drink, my Gram's never to be repeated handmade gefilte fish, matzo balls which actually floated when cooked (I am still working on this...4 ingredients and I still cannot get it right!!!), the fun of searching for the Afikoman (..is a half-piece of matzo which is broken in two during the early stages of the Passover Seder and set aside to be eaten as a dessert after the meal...whoever found it, usually received a dollar bill!!), and simply being together. Since those wonderful days, we have lost many along the way, and we are scattered across the country, but the tradition, of celebrating the Jewish people being delivered from the hand of the grasp of the terrible one, remains well intact. It is written: 'For I will go through the land of Egypt on that night, and will strike down all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast; and against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgments-- I am the LORD. The blood shall be a sign for you on the houses where you live; and when I see the blood I will pass over you, and no plague will befall you to destroy you when I strike the land of Egypt. Now this day will be a memorial to you, and you shall celebrate it as a feast to the LORD; throughout your generations you are to celebrate it as a permanent ordinance...' Exodus 12: 12-14. I look at this picture, and I know that that permanent ordinance lives on in me and my Son, and his Sons yet to come, because of these people, my Family, and the many generations who came before them. It is amazing and stirring. So, as I attempt to make another round of matzo balls which actually float and are edible, we are deeply grateful to be celebrating yet another Passover together, whether in Spirit or not.

Happy Passover!!!

'On the first day you shall have a holy assembly, and another holy assembly on the seventh day; no work at all shall be done on them, except what must be eaten by every person, that alone may be prepared by you.…'

                                                                                                     Exodus 12:16

And Then, There Was NYC...

Upper West Side love...

Looking North from the 19th floor in Chelsea...

Sunrise, big skies, good morning NYC...Chelsea!

My Cousin's beautiful balcony garden...

On the High Line, a moment...

My Goddaughter, Jennie, in rehearsal for 'Pearl', the musical...(please go see her @ the Davenport Theatre, Saturday, 25th and last performance, Sunday, August 2nd)!!!

Grace Church, The Village...old stomping grounds..

And finally, the landmark, Grand Central...

So, sandwiched in between going to the Berkshires, and going to Maryland, I spent 4 1/2 very full days in The City. Born and raised in NYC, you know the saying, 'You can take the girl out of the City..'. It is the first time that I have visited NY since Mom passed away, and it was really, really different, in a good way. The last couple of years visiting the City when Mom was still alive, most of my time was spent running back and forth to NYU Medical Center or taking care of her after she got out of the hospital, way downtown in Battery Park. Now I had to make other arrangements for where to place my bags and rest my head. 2 couches and a futon later, from the Upper West Side to Chelsea, (West 24th and West 15th), I immediately knew that the phrase, 'wandering Jew', was appropriate. The City has changed, it felt different. I have changed, I felt different. 

The most important part of the trip from beginning to end, was seeing Family and Friends. I do not have pics of many of those moments, as many of the visits were short and sweet, and I have tucked them safely away in my heart. From a spill-over visit from the Berkshires to the Upper West Side, to my 87 year old Cousin, (who is 87 going on 65...she lives the life in NY!), to my extended Family whom I love dearly and wished I had more time to savor our time together. You know who you are. To some very special time with my friend, who was the Activity Director/in charge of fun, @ The Hallmark where Mom lived for 8 wonderful years, and lunch with yet another Cousin! And then the phone calls. For the people I spoke with just to hear your voice, knowing that you were not 2/3 of a country away, may I remind each of you, that just because I live in Colorado, does not mean we can only speak on the phone only when I am in the City. My last stop was Grand Central, lugging my big suitcase. If I had a quarter for every time someone said, 'Hey, Lady, that suitcase it bigger than you!', all the while, looking at the security which was in place for July 4th, thinking, "It's not me folks.' I kissed New York good-bye and I was on to my next destination. 

I have purposed in my heart that I will go back to The City which I love, sooner than later. As my Cousin said, her hotel is open!!! 

#gratefulgratefulgrateful

'The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never ceases, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, Therefore I have hope in Him...'

                                                                Lamentations 3:22-25

Happy Thanksgiving...

A very Happy Thanksgiving to All. This year my gratitude list is long, very long. For right now I am grateful for the roof over our heads, for the food on our table, for our health, for my Family and dear Friends, for Jimmy, Edward and I being together this year in Colorado. I am cooking my very first turkey, ever...here's hoping that the 'Boys' are grateful after the bird comes out of the oven...(big smile)!

Louvinia Pointer, 1916-2009

Mom Pointer at her 90th birthday

This has been a difficult post to get out, so I decided to start with a portion of a letter I wrote to a friend this past Saturday:

"I have just lived through some of the most profound moments of my life, and at the end of hers, with Mom Pointer. We arrived in Brooklyn yesterday afternoon, and none too soon, because it is expected that she will not make it through the weekend. She has a notebook, so she can write, she is too weak to speak, but her mind is sharp. When I walked in to her room, she picked up her pen and wrote 'my daughter, I love you so much, how is Edward?' The timing of our visit was perfect. We stayed at the house for a couple of hours, not in the room with her the whole time, but when it was time for me to leave her, I got in real close, she gathered her strength, and in a whisper and said 'You are my daughter', and I said 'You are my mother.' Again, she said 'You are my daughter', and I repeated' 'You are my mother. ' It was a moment the likes of which I have never experienced. I had to see her. So, now, I rest, and wait for the news....'

Mom Pointer went home to be with the Lord in the early hours of Wednesday morning. Now, I will tell you what I know. She had the voice of an angel when she sang, she loved the Lord with all her heart, with all her soul and with all her might, she kept the plight of the Negro Spiritual alive as choral director of 'The Great Day Chorale' for the last 20 years of her life, and in that, her waters ran very deep . She was wife and mother to 3 amazing children, Olive, Billy and Noel, grandmother and great-grandmother to what seems like a small army of children. I was blessed to know and love her as 'Mom'.

Over the years I learned that the Pointer household had a revolving door, front and back, meaning that neighborhood children, of every race, color and creed, (our 4 legged friends alike), were in and out of that house at one point or another. Hundreds and hundreds of children, literally. We met close to 30 years ago at her home in Brooklyn, at a bible study around her famous dining room table. Many a person came and went from around the table as well, but even more life-long relationships were birthed at that very spot. As my personal relationship with the Lord grew, so did my personal relationship with Mom Pointer. She was my 'go to' person, when the waters of life became rough, and I can just hear her saying 'Amy, THIS is who you are, trust God, believe God.' So, in the end, my heart is sealed in the special bond we shared. Prayers for comfort and grace abound for the Pointer-Harney family, and for the long, long reach of Mom's extended family. Finally, a scripture she mouthed over and over and over again last Friday:

"The weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds."
2 Corinthians 10:4

Happy Thanksgiving

A very Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate. I love Thanksgiving. Honestly, it's my favorite of the holidays. As children we spent the most wonderful days in the beautiful Bear Mountain in Coldspring, New York. Things have changed, family members have passed, children have been born and grown into young adults. We have so much to be grateful for. We have our health, a warm home, food in the fridg, our sense of humor is in tact, a loving family, a relationship with our God.

Norman Rockwell painted a very famous picture of a family around the Thanksgiving table. He also painted many different covers over the years for The Saturday Evening Post for their Thanksgiving edition. I chose this cover because it touched my heart. It made me remember the many wonderful days I shared with my family as a child, some who are no longer with us. Rockwell captured the spirit of these precious memories, knowing they are very much alive in our hearts.

A happy and safe Thanksgiving to all.

Wordless Wednesday