Today is a Good Day to Exhale...

Written on Saturday, May 20, New York City:

So, trip number 3, back to the east coast since 2015. Each one, a different season, a different reason, but the love remains the same. The love for my Family and my Friends, I have said hello and goodbye to, too many times over at this point to count...and today, my heart spilled over with emotion as I realized that I was beginning to exhale. My Cousins and I are close and I am thankfully, very free with them. My cousin Rita, her dog, Roxie died yesterday, so we spoke this morning. She told me the whole story of Roxie's last day, and most gratefully, Roxie passed away on her own and not in my cousins house. Rita and a friend were able to make it to the Vet pretty much in the nick of time, so that no papers had to be filled out, and the whole guilt of 'putting our pets down' or 'I just murdered my 4 legged family member', was dissolved. Thank you sweet Roxie for sparing Rita that part of her story. Then it was my turn to talk.I did not write about it publicly when my cousin Ellie died suddenly in December, it was a Family decision. Many months before her passing we talked about my clearing out her apartment in Chelsea, so, that was the main reason for the trip. Just this (chilly) morning, in this cozy room in this old brownstone in the West Village, I felt the loss and I grieved for yet another member of Mom's generation. Here is what I have learned about grief over these almost 5 years since Mom passed. Grief will get you. You might think that you are clever enough to tuck it away someplace, or to pretend that you are 'good', since a couple of years have passed and life has marched on. But grief is too powerful. It will rise up and it will come out and show itself when you least expect it. This is what happened to me this morning. I was not here when Ellie died, as much as I received many updates over those 2 days when difficult life and death decisions were being made, yet, it did happen to me too. Watching, partaking, as her apartment was dismantled painting by painting, photo by photo, plant by plant, would have made an eventful time lapse video. With anyone who reaches the impressive age of 88, there were many layers to Ellie. We learned upon her passing that she kept people and possessions very compartmentalized. What a great thing when all those people actually met, and the doors to Ellie's compartments swung wide open. I now have a couple of new friends on Facebook, one important, healed up relationship and some new/old photos to bring back to Colorado. Ellie, I am certain looked down with ridiculous pleasure to see how well the day unfolded. My sweet sweet Ellie. So, Rita got an earful too, but she had to run, conversation over...me still spilling...

Post script: That day, I stayed very nuzzled in, ate potato chips, drank coconut water, watched 6 episodes of General Hospital, the last 3 episodes of Scandal (OMG), napped and slowly prepared myself to leave New York. Today is Wednesday, I feel much more rested and my joy has returned to its fullness...looking back, just these couple of days, I saw bubbles of the grief rising last week but, I was busy running, seeing, doing, yet, I could not hide it...grateful that I have learned to recognize it, let it happen, get it out, and then proceed forward...

Columbine Angel...

When we lived in Rhode Island, a friend gave me some plants from her vast garden to replant in the front of our home. One of these plants was a Columbine. The flowers are so delicate, as you can see from this pic I took on a late summer afternoon in 2008. I did not know, at the time, that Columbine is the state flower for Colorado. Isn't that something?? Discovered in 1820 on Pike's Peak by mountain climber Edwin James, the Rocky Mountain Columbine (Columbine Aquilegia caerulea) is a lovely flower with a rich aroma to attract bees, hummingbirds and butterflies to it's nectar. The Latin word aquila means "Eagle" and refers to the claw-like spurs at the base of the flower. Columbines bloom in pastel shades of blue, violet, red, yellow and white. Looking back, we were always given a clue, if you will, about where we might wind up. God always had/has something up His sleeve. When the Columbine massacre took place in 1999, Edward was in 4th grade and we were living in Mt. Vernon, NY. I so clearly remember the fear and  horror unleashed that day. Every parent holding their babies, no matter how big or small, just that much closer. How do you explain this darkness to a 9 or 10 year old? Anywho, fast forward to 2012, and lo and behold, this beautiful, delicate angel of a flower is now my state flower. The plant stayed in Rhode Island, hopefully gracing the new owners w/ its presence come Spring. 

In a gazillion years, I never, ever imagined that I would set foot in Columbine or Littleton. (Littleton became widely known when the Columbine massacre occurred at nearby Columbine High School. News media reported that the incident happened in the city, because the school’s ZIP code is primarily associated with Littleton.) As it turns out, the woman I am seeing for grief counseling has one of her offices in Littleton. This is where we meet. A couple of weeks ago, we had some errands to run, and were running a bit early. Upon asking 'Siri' for information, we went to the nearby city of Columbine. Again, so far from anything I could have imagined. Once the errands were complete, we drove around Columbine. It is beautiful, w/ the Rockies and foothills so close, the rolling hills, the big Colorado homes, the open spaces. We were silent as we took it all in. When I saw my counselor, I told her about what had just transpired. She then shared w/ me that she counseled some of the 'Columbine parents'. I just shook my head @ the unfathomable grief these parents must have been going through. But, I have this, the angel-like Columbine flower to remind me always of the true meaning of Columbine.

Out of the ground the LORD God caused to grow every tree that is pleasing to the sight and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Knowledge-Of-Good-And-Evil#sthash.1NzyD1U8.dpuf

  'The LORD God planted a garden toward the east, in Eden; and there He placed the man whom He had formed. Out of the ground the LORD God caused to grow every tree that is pleasing to the sight and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.'

                                                                                                 Genesis 2:8-9 

Out of the ground the LORD God caused to grow every tree that is pleasing to the sight and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Knowledge-Of-Good-And-Evil#sthash.1NzyD1U8.dpuf

Out of the ground the LORD God caused to grow every tree that is pleasing to the sight and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Knowledge-Of-Good-And-Evil#sthash.1NzyD1U8.dpufThe LORD God planted a garden toward the east, in Eden; and there He placed the man whom He had formed. 9Out of the ground the LORD God caused to grow every tree that is pleasing to the sight and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

Out of the ground the LORD God caused to grow every tree that is pleasing to the sight and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Knowledge-Of-Good-And-Evil#sthash.1NzyD1U8.dpuf

Post script: Even tough I am seeing a grief counselor, does not mean I am walking around sad and grieving. That's is not who I am. But, it does mean that I am doing the work involved to release the grief...

Good Grief...

Upper Rhoda Pond, or Lake Rhoda

I started this blog in 2008. I had recently opened one of my Etsy shops, and was inspired to start the blog by other Etsy sellers, basically, to sell my handmade jewelry. Over these 7 years the blog has taken its own twists and turns, as life has happened. Everything is well archived, and these days especially, I am most grateful to use those archives for reference. What year, month or day was that, or, I know I wrote about that, where is it. I have found that not only has the blog been an excellent personal resource, but it has given my voice a little volume. I enjoy sharing from my heart, even the really tough stuff which happens. It has been 2 1/2 years since Mom passed, and I have not cried. Any of you who know me, really, know that it is in my DNA, we cry. I just have not been able to get it out; the grief. There is never any right or wrong way to go about the process of losing a loved one, a parent, a Mom. I have talked to friends who have lost their Mom's and for some, like me now, it has taken years to get through the loss. One friend told me it took her a good 3 years, punctuated by, and we didn't even have a good relationship. As you know, Mom and I adored one another, so I am surprised, in a way, that I have just not fallen completely apart. On the other hand, not.

I sent an email to a dear friend who is going through chemo for leukemia. Thankfully, she is responding well, and has been giving us updates after each round. I know that she always wants to know how her friends are doing, really doing, and I told her the truth. After I read it back, I realized, that this is what I wanted to post, this is what I really wanted to say, but the words simply had not come up and out, until now. So, here is a portion of that email:

'For me, well, I did get in touch w/ a grief counselor, and I meet w/ her in Littleton on Tuesday...we spoke on the phone, and we had a good first chat...again, the grief is in my throat and ever ready to burst forth...here is an amazing thing...we have a very active camp wall on Facebook...we went to camp in the beautiful Berkshires for 12 summers, from the time I was 5 years old...loved every minute of it...Mom was the Arts & Crafts counselor, and so much more, to the hundreds who called her 'Aunt Bunny', Dad came up on weekends, friends and cousins spent many happy carefree summers on the lake...when Mom died, my brother and I batted around what we might do w/ Mom and Dad's ashes...the only place we could think of, which was the most meaningful, was the lake @ camp..well, lo and behold, one thing has led to an another, and a group of us have rented a big house right on our most beloved lake @ the end of June...we will be spreading Mom and Dad's ashes there...I am overwhelmed by the enormity of the act, and that it is actually coming to pass...those who have signed on so far to come in June, all adored Mom and Dad..it is beautiful, and a huge answer to prayer...so, I am on the right track...my body has been betraying me a bit, I am certain, from all that I am holding in...'

It is clear that I am making progress to understand the loss, to deal w/ how profound losing Mom is, along with having the opportunity to go back to a place, a tiny little town in upstate NY, which I (and so many...), hold so dear, to spread Mom and Dad's ashes on the lake as their final resting place.., well, now,  I am at a loss for words.

'To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;...'

Ecclesiastes 3:1-5