The Red Ride...

I thought for sure I would be paralyzed after kayaking for most of the day on Friday, the 28th. As it turns out, I was not. It seems that all the swimming, all the many many laps I have clocked in this summer have paid off. Friday marked the 3rd year of Mom's passing. I have done allot of work this year to 'be okay', to deal w/ the grief of losing her and proceed forward. Friday was a gorgeous day. I thought the best way to honor her, and that would be every single day for the rest of my life, is to live. So, I did something I have wanted to do since I laid eyes on the Cherry Creek Lake/Reservoir, almost a year ago. I rented a kayak for the day, and off I went. The lake measures 850 acres!! I mastered my rowing skills @ camp, and grateful I was, because you need to have a clue on how to navigate the waters. It was choppy, not like a sheet of glass, as the jet-skiers, motor boats and a few sail boats were making their fair share of wake waves, and it was windy enough to effect the water. (There is plenty of room for everyone, but the ripple effect travels far and wide). I stayed on the perimeter for the first couple of hours, just wanting to catch a glimpse of the park from the waterside. I took my time, I wanted to take my time. I only pulled onto the beach once for a short rest-bit. I knew exactly where I was from the many many times we have walked on the trails by the water. I saw the dense, swampy foliage as I navigated my way around the lake. There were some huge fallen trees w/ the root side facing me. I tried to get some pics, but the kayak kept on moving, the sun was too bright, etc. Their complicated weave of roots made for amazing sculptures, none of which I would have ever seen had I not been on the water. I kept going and at some point I was hoping to find a spot where I could just stay w/out drifting, like putting down an anchor. Well, I have to thank the pelicans for leading me to just the right spot. I was sort of, kind of following a group of pelicans. If I could just get close enough, the sun was behind me, and they were still enough, this could be a good pic, I thought. Well, sure enough, they 'allowed' me to do all that; get close enough, and take a few pics. Once they were done w/ me, one by one by one, they made a line and swam in the other direction. It was quite a sight! And then, lo and behold, I paddled out just far enough and I stopped moving. There was no drifting, I didn't use the paddle to keep the kayak steady. I just sat, and took it all in. Again, time was not an issue, and I savored every moment in that great red ride I had for the day. As it turns out, I was the very last one into the Marina, so whew!!! For any Rhoda Girls reading this, you know in my head I could hear Dede hollering, 'All Rhoda boats in!' Mom would have been really really happy for me for having such a great day...

#grateful #veryverygrateful

The red ride...

Resting, taking it all in...

Short stop on the beach..

The pelicans...thank you pelicans...

'There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

     a time to be born and a time to die,

    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

     a time to kill and a time to heal,

    a time to tear down and a time to build,

     a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance....'

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-4

Good Grief...

Upper Rhoda Pond, or Lake Rhoda

I started this blog in 2008. I had recently opened one of my Etsy shops, and was inspired to start the blog by other Etsy sellers, basically, to sell my handmade jewelry. Over these 7 years the blog has taken its own twists and turns, as life has happened. Everything is well archived, and these days especially, I am most grateful to use those archives for reference. What year, month or day was that, or, I know I wrote about that, where is it. I have found that not only has the blog been an excellent personal resource, but it has given my voice a little volume. I enjoy sharing from my heart, even the really tough stuff which happens. It has been 2 1/2 years since Mom passed, and I have not cried. Any of you who know me, really, know that it is in my DNA, we cry. I just have not been able to get it out; the grief. There is never any right or wrong way to go about the process of losing a loved one, a parent, a Mom. I have talked to friends who have lost their Mom's and for some, like me now, it has taken years to get through the loss. One friend told me it took her a good 3 years, punctuated by, and we didn't even have a good relationship. As you know, Mom and I adored one another, so I am surprised, in a way, that I have just not fallen completely apart. On the other hand, not.

I sent an email to a dear friend who is going through chemo for leukemia. Thankfully, she is responding well, and has been giving us updates after each round. I know that she always wants to know how her friends are doing, really doing, and I told her the truth. After I read it back, I realized, that this is what I wanted to post, this is what I really wanted to say, but the words simply had not come up and out, until now. So, here is a portion of that email:

'For me, well, I did get in touch w/ a grief counselor, and I meet w/ her in Littleton on Tuesday...we spoke on the phone, and we had a good first chat...again, the grief is in my throat and ever ready to burst forth...here is an amazing thing...we have a very active camp wall on Facebook...we went to camp in the beautiful Berkshires for 12 summers, from the time I was 5 years old...loved every minute of it...Mom was the Arts & Crafts counselor, and so much more, to the hundreds who called her 'Aunt Bunny', Dad came up on weekends, friends and cousins spent many happy carefree summers on the lake...when Mom died, my brother and I batted around what we might do w/ Mom and Dad's ashes...the only place we could think of, which was the most meaningful, was the lake @ camp..well, lo and behold, one thing has led to an another, and a group of us have rented a big house right on our most beloved lake @ the end of June...we will be spreading Mom and Dad's ashes there...I am overwhelmed by the enormity of the act, and that it is actually coming to pass...those who have signed on so far to come in June, all adored Mom and Dad..it is beautiful, and a huge answer to prayer...so, I am on the right track...my body has been betraying me a bit, I am certain, from all that I am holding in...'

It is clear that I am making progress to understand the loss, to deal w/ how profound losing Mom is, along with having the opportunity to go back to a place, a tiny little town in upstate NY, which I (and so many...), hold so dear, to spread Mom and Dad's ashes on the lake as their final resting place.., well, now,  I am at a loss for words.

'To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;...'

Ecclesiastes 3:1-5

'Bunny's'...Many Bunny's!!

Mom and Me...

'Daisie Bunnykins', Doulton & Co.

Limoges

Made in Italy

Tureen or planter

Made in France with Daisie...

It was bound to happen. Mom's nick name was 'Bunny'. It started innocently enough. There was that very first bunny with the cotton coming out of it's, well, bottom...and we used it, I remember. Then it started. They began to multiply, as bunnies do. Before anyone knew it there were bunnies everywhere. Mom had to send out an executive order,  'NO MORE BUNNIES!!'

The very first bunny, (photo) Mom gave to me because she said it reminded her of 'us'. She cried. I cried. The pics of the bunnies are of just a few, which I treasure. I am always looking at 'bunny anything'. You would be surprised @ all the merchandise out there w/ Mom's name on it. I have, so far, refrained from starting the reproduction cycle all over again...whew!! When she died, we distributed some of the bunnies to relatives and close friends. Everyone loved receiving them, as they knew that they were getting a treasured piece of her, and each person expressed how precious, it meant so much. From Steuben glass, to inexpensive glass, to wood and metal (one is a coin bank which Edward has), to porcelain, to Limoges, made in Italy, and back to France, to Rosenthal, ceramic and soapstone, and on and on and on! So, on this 2nd Mother's Day without her, I honor and treasure her memory...'Bunny's....Many Bunny's!!'

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY !!!

Gert at 102, The View

Gert passed away on Saturday. She was 102, almost 103 years old. Can you imagine? She lived a full active life for just over a century!! I met Gert at 'The Hallmark', in New York City, where Mom lived for 8 of her 9 last years. I can count in my head how many wonderful friends of Mom's, and mine, were lost over that time. But, this is about Gert and this is my favorite story about her. 

Two Springs ago, when Mom was so ill with pneumonia and congestive heart failure, I was in the City for over a week running back and forth to the hospital. I was staying in Mom's apartment downtown. The Hallmark is all the way downtown, and NYU, where Mom was in the hospital is on the East Side. There is just no easy way to get there, and back via public transportation, and I was tired. So, in the evening, when I would come back from the hospital, I would go into the Library in the building, which also houses 2 computers, check my e-mail, catch up on all the on-line 'stuff', clear my head. That Spring, there was only 1 computer. Most of those nights, I would find Gert, sitting at the computer, playing 'Spider'. She could not hear well, and she was so fixed on killing the competition, that she did not know I was there. I would sit and watch her for 20 or 30 minutes. At some point, I would gently tap her on the shoulder, and she would 'come back' from the land of solitaire. I would help her gather her things, she would always ask, 'How is Mother, please send her my regards.' We would chit chat about the day, the weather. But here is what she did. One night in particular, I must have been rather bedraggled, and she stood very close, took my face in those wise hands and said, 'Remember, you must take care of yourself too.' Maybe it was the sparkle in her eye, or the gentle touch, but I can still see her, feel her. It was a moment, but I will never forget.

So, here's to you Gert, show them how it's done!!!

Today is Mom's Birthday...

Auburn, Mom 3ish w/ Uncle Joe behind her.

In her riding gear..probably going to the Pelham stables..

Classic pic w/ her brothers,  Uncle Joe and Uncle Vince...the outfit, totally stylish for today!

W/ beloved cousins, Ann and Ellie @ Volare in the Village. 83rd Birthday celebration,

Thanksgiving @ Joey's, a few years ago...

She would have been 89 years old today. I was up w/ the sun and took some beautiful pics of the start of this day. I received a text from my brother around 9AM, my time, and there it was...the floodgates. I learned, after my father passed away, 24 years ago, that his birthday was the hardest day of the year...every year. The 'firsts', after anyone dies are hard, especially their birthday. They only die once, so we remember, we honor, we light a yahrzeit candle. But, their birthday, Mom's birthday was always a celebration, singing of camp songs (you Rhoda Girls know what I am talking about), cards and gifts, for my/our entire life. So I miss her today, I miss celebrating her life, and it is the first, so I am a mess. Chances are that I won't blog about Mom's birthday next year, but this, the first one w/out her, is certainly reason to post some pics and say, 'Happy Birthday Mom!!!' I love you always and really really  miss you...especially today....

New Year, 2013....

This has been a most memorable year, 2012. We relocated from Rhode Island and kissed the ocean goodbye, we said hello to Colorado  and the majesty of her mountains, as we adjusted to living 6000 feet in the air, we lost Mom in August. We gained a deeper faith and hope, we made new friends. We have seen sunrises and sunsets of awesome beauty which were previously unimaginable to us. We saw the Canyon burn, and met heroes along the way. We have wept w/ the nation upon seeing Sandy and Newton, Ct. Yet and still we can say, 'Thus far the Lord has helped us', (1 Samuel 7:12). 'Whether through poverty, wealth, sickness, or health, whether at home or abroad, or on land, sea, or air, and whether in honor, dishonor, difficulties, joy, trials, triumph, prayer or temptation - 'Thus far the Lord has helped!' (Streams in the Desert, December 31).

It is our hope and prayer for you to have a blessed and healthy 2013, with glorious and miraculous prospects!!!!!

Wordless Wednesday

My office @ dusk w/ Mom's ballerina lamps. I do not ever remember them not being there...happy to have them grace my home.

I 'Heart' You...

Heart formation...and then whoosh...it was gone...what a moment!!

Driving past the heart clouds thru the Garden of the Gods Park

Driving thru 320 MILLION year old rock formations...really??

Pikes Peak, w/ just a little snow, taken from 8000 feet in the air!

Coming down the mountain...

Arch way @ Woodland Park...amazing sculpture!!

Yesterday Atlas Van Lines delivered my portion of Mom's furniture, pictures, lamps and treasures from her apartment in New Jersey....or really from her life in New York (as she only lived in NJ for the past year). What a difference a month makes. From life to death, from West to East and back again a couple of times, from Summer to Autumn, all very significant and mark-ed changes. Thankfully, the movers were very nice guys, they came early enough where we still had the whole day. We have decided to visit the higher elevations, now that I have acclimated, and w/ the Fall foliage quickly making her appearance, we went to the city of Woodland Park, which is at 8000 feet in elevation. We drove through Garden of the Gods Park, and as I was snapping away, I looked up and there it was, a cloud formation in the shape of a heart! Well, glory be, how perfect, as was the rest of the day. Although I did get a bit light headed, I was closer to Pikes Peak than ever before. The pictures tell the story as our adventures in Colorado continue...

Come Fly Away...

Yesterday, I flew back to Colorado from New Jersey after spending a week helping my brother, sister-in-law and my nieces pack up, distribute, move and ship everything in Mom's apartment. Needless to say it was a tough week and I was so happy to have the 4 hours in the air, with an amazing view the entire time of 'what lay beneath'. So, with camera in tow, ipod well tucked into my head, I was able to quietly make the transition back to the mountain.

Mom and Me

Mom. Joey and Me

Right before my 1st birthday, I had a lump removed from my left brow line. The scar is still there. From what I have been told, I was in the hospital for 4 days and when I came home guzzled down many bottles of milk. From that point on, and for many years well into my childhood, I was afraid to be w/out my Mom. Fast forward a few decades. Mom died on August 28th, peacefully. I am not sure when it happened exactly. Maybe in my early teens I found some independence. I traveled by myself when I was in 7th-9th grade, taking 2 buses, every Saturday morning to take art lessons on the Upper West Side.  Mom always said that it was around High School. We were very affectionate w/ one another. There was cuddling, hugging, walking down the street arm in arm, always. So, it was no different when I went to the hospital, and even though Mom was pretty disoriented, when I leaned in and put my cheek next to hers, she said 'More'. So, she got more. It was no different when she lay dying in the early hours of the morning of Tuesday, the 28th, that I curled up around her feet, and went to sleep. We spoke every day, for years upon years. Sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. Maybe one of us forgot something, or had a quick story or gossip to share. I am just a little over 1 week into her not being here, and I already know that it is just that. The phone calls. How much did I save @ the supermarket that day, the great sale she found @ Lord & Taylor, what she ate for dinner, what she wore that day, how she killed everyone that day when she played bridge, the latest post on Facebook from our camp wall, how I was tending to the garden, our big adventures here in Colorado, calming her fears about our being too close to the wildfires this past June. Even up until she became so sick w/ pneumonia a couple of weeks ago, we were on the phone one day for a half an hour, just talking. In my head, I know that Mom's dying is extra-ordinarily profound, and that I am just putting my little toe into this process of grieving. However, for right now, this moment, I seem to be okay.

Wordless Wednesday

Summer before our 12 summers in the Berkshires, and very attached to Mom...
 

Mom's 85th Birthday

What a milestone, turning 85. Mom has had some real health issues, but she battles on, with swimming and yoga and physical therapy. She lives in a wonderful building in NYC, which is a great place for anyone to live, but it is specifically for Seniors. There are bells and whistles everywhere if she needs help. She has a great apartment and has made some friends, some who have passed, and others, some well into their 90's, who put one foot in front of the other everyday and live their already very full lives. There is a private room in her building for special events or dinners, which holds 12 people and this is where we shared a lovely evening. This is what Mom wanted.

I had an idea to make Mom a collage of her life, so I called on the family to send in the pictures. After scanning, zooming, editing, enhancing, lightening, brightening, cropping, carefully tearing, and finally rubber cementing, about 100 photos, I wound up with 2 very sizable collages. Similar to putting together a puzzle that you are inventing, I thought that I had gotten myself in way over my head. But, as always, the pictures found their place on each board. It turned out, that one board was 'Us', meaning my generation, my brother, Edward, my nieces, my cousins and their children, standing on the family that came before us in the other collage. Mom can't see very well, but she knew what it was and she cried. She understood that so many people love her, have loved her, will always love her, as she too, has loved, and will continue to love so many of us as well. It was a special night for a special lady. Happy Birthday Mom!

(The photos of the collage are taken from the center of each one...these are not the full boards!)

White Pumpkins...and Mom?????

My Mother is being released from Rusk, the Pulmonary/Cardiac Re-hab Unit of New York University Hospital on Wednesday! She has benefited so much from all the re-hab while in the hospital, but she will still require bi-weekly visits, as an out-patient to NYU for the next 6 weeks, re-hab at home and an aide. I will be headed to New York City tomorrow to be with her, probably through to next Monday. I will continue to post, but I may not be able to make my daily drops on you fellow Entrecard-ers, due to lack of an appropriate computer. Please, help a gal out, and continue to drop on Amy Lilley Designs!!! Thank you all, again for your support and prayers for her!

The white pumpkins are FABULOUS! There was an entire cart of them...I just can't get over how gorgeous they are. I have MORE goodies that I will be posting from my afternoon at the farm!!! The photo can be seen in my Etsy shop and would make a great set of cards!

Autumn Hydrangea

Autumn is in full swing in New England. Although, I have to say, my impatience, my overflowing impatience in my window boxes, are still hanging on. These are photos of the same hydrangea which I took during the summer. Their deep purples, blue tones and green hues make for quite an eye full. I have cut them back and have them hanging upside down on the wall right above my computer. For me, a very symbolic sign of entering into the new season!

My Mom is doing better and is in a brand new wing of the hospital for pulmonary/cardiac rehabilitation. She thinks it is so beautiful, that she may not mind staying for 2 weeks! Sense of humor, still intact!. Thank you all for your well wishes and prayers for her. I simply cannot thank you enough.

Peaceful View

This is a view of the Providence River which leads to the bay, which leads to the the ocean. This is one lovely, peaceful stretch of landscape which I see during my daily walks by the water. There is a bench just about where I took this photo, so that people can sit and rest, read a book, meditate on the loveliness of the scenery. Right now, my Mom is in the hospital with pneumonia. She's in what they call a 'step down' unit. Not quite intensive care, but not a 'regular' room. She says that the service is pretty good...not so bad. So, her sense of humor is in tact. She is quite frail and she'll probably be there for about a week. I am 3 1/2 hours away and will most likely go be with her when she goes home. Mom has plenty of family and friends to visit her in the hospital. So, once the sun comes back out, and I'm on my daily walk by the water, I might just sit on that bench where this picture was taken and pray and meditate on the loveliness of this view, with loving thoughts of Mom.

Reach Up

These perfect tiny, tiny yellow flowers were part of a formal bouquet that my cousin sent to my Mother for her birthday in January. I was visiting her in New York at the time. I knew that there was a picture hiding in that beautiful arrangement, but I had to find it. So, I took picture after picture after picture, until...BINGO...and this is it!!!

Happy Birthday Mom!